The 35 Lena Dunham-est Quotes From 'Not That Kind Of Girl'

35 Lena Dunham Est Quotes Fromnot That Kind Girl

So, Lena Dunham's book 'Not That Kind of Girl' finally came out yesterday (September 30). And while normal people might have spaced Dunham's candid, thoughtful, and often moving collection of personal essays out over a series of multiple days, we read them all in four hours. Four wonderful, condom anecdote-filled hours.

All in all, 'Not That Kind of Girl' was a refreshing read that should make fans of Dunham's candor quite pleased, but it also produced a ton of 'WTF' quotes that were just begging to become GIFs.

Here are 35 of our favorites -- some GIF'd -- all taken entirely out of context for the sake of hilarity:

1. On Healthy Snacking:

'When I was nine, I wrote a vow of celibacy on a piece of paper and ate it.'

2. On Youth:

'I am twenty years old and I hate myself. My hair, my face, the curve of my stomach. The way my voice comes out wavering and my poems come out maudlin.'

3. On Proper Tourist Attire:

'My mother and I have a massive fight when I choose to wear a banana-printed belly shirt and pink leggings to the Vatican.'

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4. On The Meaning Of Friendship:

'I have the nagging sense that my true friends are waiting for me beyond college, unusual women whose ambitions are as big as their past transgressions, whose hair is piled high, dramatic like topiaries at Versailles, and who never, ever say 'too much information' when you mention a sex dream you had about your father.'

Related: These Wizards Can’t Wait To Read Lena Dunham’s Book

5. On Sexual Milestones:

'I was sure I had already broken my hymen in high school while crawling over a fence in Brooklyn in pursuit of a cat that didn't want to be rescued.'

6. On Real Deep Thoughts, Man:

'I am hot. I am hungry for a snack. But mostly, I am alone.'

7. On Icky Penises:

'Intercourse felt, often, like shoving a loofah into a Mason jar.'

8. On Healthy, Youthful Sexuality:

'I learned to masturbate the summer after third grade.'

9. On Weird College Sex:

'I was being desexualized in slow motion, becoming a teddy bear with breasts.'

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10. On... This...:

'A year later I have to change my screen name because a boy at school, a massive hairy boy with a face like a Picasso painting, sends me an email saying he's going to rape me and cover me in barbecue sauce.'

11. On That Lady With The Pointy Toes:

'Barbie's disfigured. it's OK to play with her just as long as you keep that in mind.'

12. On Da Moon:

'One night I put on a nightgown, stepped onto the porch, looked up at the moon, and said, 'Who am I?''

13. On Childhood Crushes:

'My earliest memory of sexual arousal is watching Jackie Earle Haley as Kelly Leak in 'Bad News Bears.''

14. On Everyday Kindergarten Activities:

'Once, when I was five, I was at an art opening talking to a fabulous drunken British lady.'

15. On Everyday Preschool Activities:

'I went to my first Women's Action Coalition meeting at age three. We, the daughters of downtown rabble-rousers, sat in a back room, coloring in line drawings of Susan B. Anthony while our mothers plotted their next demonstration.'

16. On Pre-Instagram Vanity:

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'My mother invented the selfie.'

17. On Proper Use Of Medication:

'Revulsion can quickly become desire when mixed with the right muscle relaxants.'

18. On Literally The Worst Font There Is:

'He called me terrible names when I broke up with him for a Puerto Rican named Joe with a tattoo that said 'mom' in Comic Sans.'

19. On Dietary Restrictions:

'This was the same year that I became a vegan. This was inspired by a love of puppies and also a cow who winked at me on a family vacation to Saint Vincent and the Grenadines.'

20. On Living The Dream:

'I am thinking particularly of a shower I took where the lower half of my body was under the running water and the upper half was laid out on the bath mat, eating a loaf of bread.'

21. On Art:

'The story has everything: drama, jealousy, drunkenness, friendships ended and cats inherited.'

22. On The Friends Of Her Youth:

'One of my earliest memories is being clutched tightly by my mother's psychic Dimitri, who smelled of essential oils and walked around our house investigating 'emergencies.''

23. On Adam Driver, Probably:

'Most people's jobs don't consist of slamming your vagina against the flaccid, nylon-wrapped penis of a guy wearing massive amounts of foundation to conceal his assne.'

24. On Your Average NYC OB-GYN:

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'He is an older Jewish man who, before deciding to inspect ladies down there for a living, played for the Mets.... He inserted the speculum as he described his wife's commitment to her spin classes.'

25. On Playing With Her Sister:

'My mother didn't bother asking why I had opened Grace's vagina. This was within the spectrum of things that I did.'

26. On Ouchies:

'I associate pain in the vagina with weakness and sadness.'

27. On People Who Probably Shouldn't Make You Jealous:

'The other type of woman that gets me crazy with envy is the beautiful depressive.'

28. On Being Kind Of The Worst:

'As a little girl I had been obnoxiously self-aware, irritatingly smug, prone to reading the dictionary 'for fun' and making pronouncements like, 'Papa, nobody my age enjoys real literature.''

29. On (Ugh) Street Harassment:

'If you have a vagina, by birth or by choice, you will be called 'mami' or 'sweetie' or 'Britney Spears.''

30. On Accused Child Predators:

'Over time, my belief in many things has wavered: marriage, the afterlife, Woody Allen.'

31. On The New York Theater Scene:

'We put on plays, some of them about lesbians or cat breeders or both.'

32. On Modern Education:

'I was allowed to take my puppy to gym class. My best friend played a didgeridoo he bought off the Internet.'

33. On College Priorities:

'I'd create my own schedule that served my need to eat a rich snack every five to fifteen minutes.'

34. On Just Your Typical Wednesday:

'There I am, drunk on a spring night, yanking my tampon out and hurling it into a bush outside the church.'

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35. On The Cool Kids:

'The coolest clique at school was a group of rugby-playing, neon-wearing lesbians.'