9 Most Jacked Dudes Hollywood
[caption id='attachment_174927' ] Paramount[/caption]
Most of us understand that as we age, it's important to maintain a healthy and active lifestyle. Go for a jog ( or a 'yog' if you're Ron Burgundy ) once in a while. Maybe opt for a salad sometimes instead of a few slices of pizza. If you work at a desk, perhaps you make sure you walk around your office for five minutes every hour. Feel that burn.
Then there are others who take that notion to extreme lengths, who hear 'maintain a healthy and active lifestyle' and think 'lift enough weights every day of my life to tear a horse in half with my bare hands and have a laughing fit in its blood.'
That last part may have been an exaggeration (though for some reason I can especially see Vin Diesel laughing maniacally in horse blood), but the following nine Hollywood actors would probably tell you that, yes, they can tear a horse in half with their bare hands:
1. The Rock
The 'Dwayne Johnson' Rock (that's what he goes by now, right?) was of course required to be incredibly jacked for his previous job as a minion of roid-faced Connecticut native Vince McMahon, since a 155-pound guy trotting out every Monday and Thursday night in his tighty blackies promised to be even more awkward than it is for muscular gents. But since his extremely popular (and recently recurring) time in the WWE, he's actually become an even bigger human being. Look at this picture , taken only last year. Not to mention the guy was also a defensive lineman at the University of Miami before moving onto the WWE, and it isn't like 'The U' is above gaining any competitive advantage, if you know what I'm saying. He will kill all of us.
2. Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel's real name is 'Mark Vincent,' and you can see why he no longer goes by 'Mark Vincent' now, right? Because Mark Vincent sounds like someone that calls your cell phone on a Tuesday morning at 10:30 a.m. and says, 'Hi, this is Mark Vincent from the IRS and you're being audited for your 7 tax return,' not someone who lives his life a quarter mile at a time. I'm sure Mark Vincent's a nice guy, but Mark Vincent isn't proudly parading around in tank tops bragging about how many horses he's torn in half (starting to get worried about myself regarding how many times I've used that example) like Vin Diesel is. The 'Dwayne Johnson' Rock and Diesel's fight in the most recent 'Fast and Furious' movie is like watching two bears fight in the forest, except that when a person wearing headphones yells 'cut,' they didn't come charging after him for food (I'm pretty sure).
3. Terry Crews
The great and paradoxical thing about Terry Crews being able to rip a horse ... er, to lift lots of heavy things is the fact that he seems like the nicest human person in the world. Not that being a giant with 0.9% body fat is necessarily correlative to being a jackass, but Crews seems like the type of guy that would genuinely be hurt if you approached him and were horrified that he was going to punch you seventy feet across the landscape because of his physique. Before talking to Conan about how much he lifts in this clip, he vibrates his man-boobs UNDERNEATH THE SUIT HE'S WEARING. How many times has he fought for a parking spot with another car and just gotten out and wiggled his boobs at the other driver? I'm guessing a lot. I mean, I have a ton, so I'm guessing he does it every day.
4. Matthew McConaughey
Big Matt McConaughey just wants to take his shirt off, ladies. Do you mind if he does that? Do you mind if he just puts his button-down over on the back of this seat right here while he relaxes with his shirt off? 'Mr. Soderbergh, today's scene I think would be a good opportunity for me to take my shirt off.' Indeed, McConaughey likes being shirtless, arguably more than not only anyone on this list, but every other actor in Hollywood. Hell, McConaughey was probably shirtless in movies more often than The 'Dwayne Johnson' Rock was when he was with the WWE. And though Matt isn't going for my demographic when he ditches his poor, well-meaning shirt, I can at least respect that he can probably tear a horse in half bench-press a lot of weight.
5. Chris Hemsworth
For 'Thor,' Chris Hemsworth had to look like a guy who was able to carry a megaton sledgehammer over his shoulder like it was a Wiffle ball bat. So he decided to hit the gym a bit. And then he decided to go back to the gym. And then when he was done lifting, he would turn right around and keep on lifting for a while. Eventually, he looked like this person, and suddenly, it wasn't so inconceivable that he could be a deity who destroyed you with a giant sledgehammer. Sadly, due to the fact that neither he nor his brother, fellow actor Liam, have been on the scene for very long, WordPress still red-squiggly-underlines 'Hemsworth' as if I spelled something incorrectly, while McConaughey is totally cool by contrast. One day, guys, you'll get as big as ol' Matt. Figuratively, at least.
6. Channing Tatum
Tatum has a well-publicized background as a former stripper, which must have given him a leg up (a bulge up?) on competitors in the auditioning room for 'Magic Mike.' (Presumably, he said something like, 'Guys, these other actors, they don't know what it's like to be shirtless and in a man thong. I do. I've worn man thongs.') And while 'Magic Mike' remains Tatum's most noteworthy character thus far in his career, it isn't a coincidence that he seems to otherwise only take roles that will allow him to destroy people/creatures/horses (other than 'Oh, you're not interested? Here's a check for 5 million dollars' roles like that of 'Dear John' or rare comedic parts like '21 Jump Street' ).
7. Jason Momoa
Jason Momoa burst onto the Hollywood scene in the 'Conan the Barbarian' remake, 'Game of Thrones' and the recent Stallone flick 'Bullet to the Head,' where he presumably tries to avoid receiving a 'bullet to the head' from Stallone (unless the title has a metaphorical meaning, which I tend to doubt). Not sure if he did or did not succeed in doing that, but what I do know is that Momoa looks like a human you don't necessarily want to f**k with. Like Mark Vincent, Momoa seems to spend the entire movie in tank tops, because like a tee shirt can do these 'ceps any justice lol . I get it, Jase. I get it.
8. Sylvester Stallone
Speaking of Sly, because he subsequently became the world's biggest action star, we forget that in 1976's 'Rocky,' he really wasn't that big of a human. I mean, sure, he had a big heart (aw) and physically, sure, he was ripped, but he was pretty much just a guy. A guy who climbed to the top of staircases and arbitrarily raised his arms, yes, but just a guy nonetheless. Now, he still has the same large heart (STEROIDS JOKE AW YEAH) but he is an enormous person. Look at this dude. I picture the Stallone family mansion having a large glass bowl in the middle of their dining room table, where a regular family might put decorative fruit, except at the Stallone's, it's just a giant bowl of HGH.
9. Dolph Lundgren
I was able to interview Dolph for his movie 'Small Apartments' a couple months ago, and one of the questions I asked him was who he thought would win in a fight between he and the rest of the cast of 'The Expendables.' Now, it's not like I expected him to immediately say 'Oh, easily Jason Statham' or something, but the man is 55 years old, and it's not like the movie lacks people who can roundhouse-kick others at the drop of an AK-47. But pretty much without hesitation, he said that he would probably win the fight — over fellow list-members Crews and Stallone, in addition to Statham, Jet Li, etc. — while ultimately confessing that maybe Randy Couture, professional mixed martial artist, would give him a run for his money. My point is this: Dolph Lundgren is a monster. And thank goodness for that.