A Person Who Has Never Seen Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice Reviews Its Digital Extras

Person Who Has Never Seen Batman V Superman

My relationship with the Marvel Cinematic Universe is complicated in that it does not technically exist. By this I mean that, recently, my editor asked me which of the MCU movies I had seen, and I genuinely could not remember. I'm pretty sure I've seen at least one of the Avengers films, because I remember thinking, 'Why is Jeremy Renner an Avenger if he doesn't have any special powers?' Looking back on this moment now, though, I can't remember whether Jeremy Renner did or did not have special powers, or if having special powers is important to being an Avenger. This sort of staggering ignorance/mild dementia is why that same editor thought it would be fun for me to review the digital extras of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice without having ever seen the actual movie. (I've done this once before , with Star Wars: The Force Awakens , though I definitely remembered seeing — and barely surviving — the first three Star Wars installments.)

As I write this introduction, though, I'm realizing that I'm not even sure whether Batman v Superman is part of the MCU. It might be its own thing. Oh. My editor just told me it's DC, which is a different universe entirely. Anyway, please join me as I watch more than two hours' worth of digital extras for a movie that is two hours and 33 minutes long.





The Digital Extra: 'Uniting the World's Finest'

Runtime: 15 minutes and 3 seconds



Synopsis: The DC Universe is a beautiful tapestry of endless superheroes, and they're all connected, and anything is possible.

What I Learned From This Extra:

• The first thing a human being says in this entire thing is, 'The DC characters really represent that original mythology: what is a superhero.' So this is not a Marvel movie. Good to know.



• 'Everybody' knows about DC characters, because they are 'embedded in our culture.'

• Everybody except me.

• I am a space alien.

• DC is thirsty as hell for that Marvel money and returns innumerable times, in various ways, to the following sentiment: There is a 'massive' DC Cinematic Universe that is 'ready to explode onto our movie screens.'

• DC seems to believe it operates in a vacuum and has invented the idea of a cinematic universe.

• 'A lot of people don't realize' that the DC Universe is a 'tapestry' made up of 'countless superheroes.'

• But it is.

• Even the title is thirsty: Dawn of Justice is 'about the future of these characters working as a team.'

• Please understand: DC will never stop making these movies.

• 'Once you see Batman and Superman staring at each other in a movie, anything is possible.'

Anything.

• DC seems to be extremely sensitive to criticism of their depiction of Wonder Woman, and as such, will not stop telling us how 'badass' she is.

• Wonder Woman is a 'better fighter than Superman.'

• Wonder Woman is 'as badass as anybody.'

• Wonder Woman lives in the olden times.

• Yet somehow, Wonder Woman is also cyberstalked.

• Aquaman is 'one of the most underrated superheroes out there.'

• His introduction is 'the most exciting thing.'

• Aquaman is a 'badass.'

• Aquaman is going to connect us to a whole other universe under the sea. I'm stressed out about the number of universes involved here.

• Jason Momoa connects with Aquaman because his 'people' are 'water gods.'

• Jason Momoa is 'enormous.'

• Jason Momoa is 'kind of scary.'

• Jason Momoa is fine as hell.

• Everyone on this set and in this review harbors fantasies of being dominated by Jason Momoa.

• There's a 'whole other universe' that The Flash 'feeds into' the DC Universe.

• I'm taking deep breaths.

• Cyborg is the only black character.

• But that's not why nobody knows who he is. Nope. It's because of another thing.

• Cyborg is 'more relevant today than ever' because we 'rely on digital technology so much' and we are all cyborgs.

• Cyborg is barely in the movie, though.

• Will Smith says David Ayer is a genius because he has injected 'seven or eight other characters' into Suicide Squad . All of them can move about the DC Universe because money.

• Jared Leto didn't realize The Joker was 75 years old.

• (He means the story of The Joker.)

• Margot Robbie wants to do 'another 10 movies.'

• Everyone is milking the literal fuck out of this franchise.

• I respect and fear this hustle.

• There are 'several' DC films in development. There are 'countless' paths. There are 'multiple' story lines.

• DC is a 'mirror to the way we understand the world.'

• 'We all need heroes, and that's why there's been heroes in every religion and every culture.'

• DC characters are nothing less than the 'answer to our problems, personified.'

The Digital Extra: 'Gods and Men: A Meeting of Giants'

Runtime: 12 minutes and 26 seconds

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Synopsis: Batman and Superman hate each other, and yet, they love each other. Here's why.

What I Learned From This Extra:

• Ben Affleck, in talking-head mode, speaks in a very low register with a very grave face.

• Ben Affleck is terrifyingly serious about this movie.

• Batman and Superman are 'THE two seminal, iconic characters of comic mythology,' says Ben Affleck.

• Sorry, Jeremy Renner.

• This statement is reiterated by separate people at least 15 times.

• Everyone in this movie has overthought the concepts of 'Batman' and 'Superman' so intensely that they are barely making coherent sense.

• Batman is dark and Superman is light.

• Batman is sad and Superman is happy.

• Batman is peanut butter and Superman is jelly.

• Batman is a submarine full of poison and Superman is a hot-air balloon full of Cheez Whiz.

• And yet: 'Everyone has two sides.'

• You might think that Batman and Superman would be bros, but they aren't, because their approaches to superheroing are VASTLY different.

• They've 'touched everybody all over the world.'

• 'You cannot not love Superman.'

• 'You cannot not love the Bat.'

• I can't tell whether everyone in these extras is selling this movie to themselves — a movie they have already made — or to the audience, who has ostensibly paid .99 to see these extras.

• Batman and Superman have never been on-screen together in the history of cinema, which is something everyone in this extra says at least twice and in an only infinitesimally different way.

• At some point, Batman throws Superman off a balcony.

• At another point, Batman stink bombs (?) Superman.

• Honestly, Superman seems really outmatched here.

• But 'at the root of it all, Batman and Superman are allies and friends.'

• Literally what.

• Ben Affleck has not smiled one time while talking about this movie.

• I'm more than a little worried about Ben Affleck's stone-faced devotion to this franchise/character and what that suggests about the state of his own internal life.

• There is a 'real anger that's brewing inside Ben's Batman.'

• Ben Affleck speaks in an even lower register as Batman. He's basically just whispering forcefully.

• Ben, are you OK?

• I think we can all agree, no.

• Media is 'the third character in the movie, and in all of our lives.'

• Except I thought there were 400 characters in this movie.

• This movie has a fundamental misunderstanding of how 'media' works in that it assumes reporters dictate their headlines aloud to one another as if they were dictating a text to Siri.

• This movie 'isn't about Superman,' says Henry Cavill, who plays Superman.

• Diane Lane is in this movie.

The Digital Extra: 'The Warrior, the Myth, the Wonder'

Runtime: 21 minutes and 14 seconds (help)

Synopsis: Wonder Woman is badass.

What I Learned From This Extra:

• Wonder Woman is 'strong.'

• Wonder Woman is 'powerful.'

• Wonder Woman is 'iconic.'

• Wonder Woman is 'an incredible badass.'

• Nobody has ever made a movie about Wonder Woman.

• Nobody says this, but Wonder Woman is, not incidentally, hot.

• I feel like Wonder Woman and I could hang.

• Wonder Woman was developed by an old white dude who did a lot of psychological experiments and determined that 'women's psychology for love was greater.'

• Though, appropriately, it was his wife's idea to make a female superhero.

• Wonder Woman is described as a 'suffragette turned into a pin-up girl.'

• Wonder Woman is 'THE' feminist superhero.

• Wonder Woman's boobs have gotten more and more gigantic and sturdy with each passing decade.

• Gloria Steinem once saved Wonder Woman from a fate of 1970s jumpsuits and saying things like, 'That's my bag [in the figurative sense]!'

• A lot of people in this extra bend over backward to convince each other and us that Wonder Woman's strapless bathing suit is not a product of the male gaze.

• I like the bathing suit, so fine.

• Where can I buy this bathing suit?

• By 12 minutes in, this extra has turned into a long explainer about how and why Wonder Woman is feminist, even though she's not 'perfectly feminist.'

• This is important because 'people look to comics for a moral compass.'

• This explains so much.

The Digital Extra: 'Accelerating Design: The New Batmobile'

Runtime: 22 minutes and 43 seconds (HELP)

Synopsis: The new Batmobile is cool and fast.

What I Learned From This Extra:

• There is a job called 'Extreme Sports Coordinator.'

• A person with this job narrates this extra, interviewing the team of men who built the Batmobile.

• The structure of this extra is as follows: The Extreme Sports Coordinator shows the Batmobile builders iPad videos of themselves building the Batmobile. The men watch the videos and say things like, 'That tire weighed 500 pounds.'

• I've never seen anyone closer to self-actualization than these men are when talking about the Batmobile for 22 minutes straight.

• The Batmobile is 'just as much a character as Batman himself.' We are at 401 characters in the DCU now.

• The Batmobile is 'iconic.'

• When you cut rubber from tires and add to the valving internally, you fix a problem.

• I am slowly losing my mind.

The Digital Extra: 'Superman: Complexity & Truth'

Runtime: 7 minutes and 6 seconds

Synopsis: Contrary to this title, this extra is just about Superman's clothes and Henry Cavill's bangin' stunt double.

What I Learned From This Extra:

• Clark Kent's 'civilian' wardrobe is 'not ultra sophisticated, just kind of a guy that moves to the city and works in an office and is just beginning to work out who he is.'

• Same.

• There is a Joseph Campbell quote inscribed in Superman's suit.

• Neither Superman's suit nor shoes are waterproof, which seems ... insane.

• If it rains, the material on the suit stretches and the shoes fill with water.

• Henry Cavill seems bitter about, but ultimately resigned to, this fate.

• Superman's stunt double, Albert, could get it.

• Ben Affleck uses a bathroom sink as a weapon in this movie.

• I wouldn't be upset if somebody took a bathroom sink to my head at this particular point in time.

• Amy Adams is in this movie.

The Digital Extra: 'Batman: Austerity & Rage'

Runtime: 8 minutes and 13 seconds

Synopsis: Batman is angry, so he has weapons and an 'austere' wardrobe.

What I Learned From This Extra:

• The publicity photos of Ben Affleck as Bruce Wayne are HILARIOUS.

• He is frowning like a cartoon dog.

• The word 'austerity' is used 12-plus times in this extra.

• Ben Affleck's Batman has 'new and unusual' weapons, like a grenade launcher and a 'long-range rifle that shoots a tracking device.'

• Batman can 'take you down in a number of ways.'

• The first time Ben Affleck smiles in this entire thing is when he says, 'It's hard to add muscle to your body, especially at my age.'

• 'I ended up putting on about two and a half pounds of muscle a month,' says Ben Affleck, grinning madly.

• I haven't smiled in a long time.

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The Digital Extra: 'Wonder Woman: Grace & Power'

Runtime: 6 minutes and 46 seconds

Synopsis: This extra is ostensibly about Wonder Woman's clothes, but is actually about Gal Gadot's bangin' bod.

What I Learned From This Extra:

• Wonder Woman is 'the most powerful female superhero that we have.'

• Wonder Woman is 'an icon.'

• Wonder Woman is 'a badass who kicks ass.'

• Figuring out Wonder Woman's costume was 'the biggest challenge on the movie.'

• To play Wonder Woman, Gal Gadot worked out two hours every day for seven months straight.

• Due to the very limited number of Wonder Woman clips in these extras, I am going to surmise that Batman v Superman has maybe three Wonder Woman scenes.

• I have now watched Gal Gadot speak this exact line at least six times: 'I've killed creatures from other worlds before.'

• Ben Affleck is too old for Gal Gadot.

• I have aged 17 years since I began writing this.

The Digital Extra: 'Batcave: Legacy of the Lair'

Runtime: 7 minutes and 10 seconds

Synopsis: Here is some stuff about the Batcave.

What I Learned From This Extra:

• The Batcave is 'a juxtaposition between modern technology and kind of this ancient gritty rock.'

• The Batcave is both a prison and a sanctuary for Batman: 'You feel like you barely have the space to live in there,' says the designer of the Batcave.

• If you think about it, the human mind is sort of a Batcave.

• Jeremy Irons is in this movie.

The Digital Extra: 'The Might and the Power of a Punch'

Runtime: 5 minutes and 13 seconds

Synopsis: Here is how Batman and Superman fight.

What I Learned From This Extra:

• How are there still three extras to go?

• Who is writing these ridiculous titles?

• 'It's time to analyze this epic showdown, blow by crushing blow.'

• No.

• Please no.

• OK.

• 'Batman is three inches taller than Superman, but compared with Superman's Kryptonian superpowers, Batman will need every defense.'

• Superman's hearing is 2,500 percent more sensitive than Batman's.

• Superman can shoot 10,000-degree fire out of his eyes.

• Superman can run 100 miles per hour.

• But Batman has guns.

• None of this matters because I guess they team up in the end.

• The result of this pairing is 'virtually unimaginable.'

• Except it is imagined many times in this movie.

The Digital Extra: 'Save the Bats'

Runtime: 4 minutes and 35 seconds

Synopsis: Save the bats.

What I Learned From This Extra:

• A lot of people are scared of bats.

• I'm one of them.

• But bats are 'incredibly beneficial, and responsible, for, like, a lot of our ecosystem working.'

• Thusly, Batman v Superman thought it would 'raise awareness' of bats.

• Here is how they do this: by showing a lot of close-ups of bats, kids stating facts about bats, and a brief shot of Ben Affleck pretending to care about bats.

• This is the most patently absurd extra of all, which is saying a lot, because I have watched hours of patently absurd extras at this point.

• Batman raising awareness of bats is like the Indigo Girls raising awareness of the color indigo.

• Everyone always forgets about indigo, but it is, in fact, part of the rainbow.

• Indigo looks like blue, but it's not. It's indigo.

• In conclusion: Don't forget about indigo.

The Digital Extra: 'The Empire of Luthor'

Runtime: 12 minutes and one million billion seconds

Synopsis: I don't know.

What I Learned From This Extra:

• My capacity for consuming comic-book-centric digital extras is 12 minutes shorter than the Batman v Superman digital extras.

• I need to lie down for the rest of my life and relax in the soothing but claustrophobic Batcave of my own mind.

• Jesse Eisenberg is in this movie.