Young Pope Episodes 5
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing us there was only one Young Pope airing per week.
Good afternoon, my fellow yungpopeheads. I'm sure you know this already, eternally youthful popeheads that you are, but unbeknownst to us at MTV News, who have been blessed — nay, cursed — with Young Pope screeners, HBO has been airing two Young Pope episodes a week instead of one, like a normal person or cable network would. Sometimes three, even! Why, you ask? We can no easier explain HBO's cockamamie machinations than we can explain why the sky is blue, why the pope is American when Jude Law has a European accent already, why the Italians on this show speak English to each other in private, who Federico is, who is blackmailing Diane Keaton, or why the pope is young ... God, he's so, so young.
My editor and I realized this in a cold sweaty panic only this week, because we are but young non-popes, unlikely to ever become heads of state or church or even a low-stakes DMV. To make up for our grave mistake, we are going to be recapping the remaining six episodes in pairs and saying 600 Hail Marys while flogging ourselves with a shredded photo of Jude Law's butt. The good news (besides the butt thing) is, now, should we feel so inclined, we can skim over the parts where the Yung Pope sits across from someone and talks in a steady stream for 15 minutes to discordant techno.
The Yung Pope is topless in bed, dreaming of watching his fuckin' hot parents leave him via boat. I love the idea that his parents were like, 'Hm, we're attractive hippies, no time for parenting, G2G.' Honestly, they're right. Hot hippies should not parent; parenting is neither chill nor hot. Anyway, it's been at least 40 years since this all went down, so dude really needs to get over this whole 'my parents left me, so I have to ruin the Catholic Church' thing. Like, Harry Potter's parents were brutally murdered in front of him and all he did was be a cute and happy wizard.
The Yung Pope tells Tommaso he is going to start a revolution in his Juicy suit. Same.
The Yung Pope appears deeply angered by a painting of a man with breasts who is feeding a baby. Either the Yung Pope wants breasts to better fill out the top portion of his Pope Juicy suit, or he is upset that this baby was not deserted by fuckin' hot hippie parents.
The Yung Pope has his most sympathetic moment yet with Esther, who almost successfully seduces him by placing his hands on her belly and praying to Mary for a miracle. She casually inches his hand up to her boobs. The Yung Pope is like, 'Eh, I'll allow it, this seems pope-ish to me.' But he explains to her that he cannot love her, because loving humans is too painful, and he's a coward, because his parents left him on a midnight hippie boat to Venice. DANG MY MAN. GET. OVER. IT. From the way he carries on, you would think Lenny Belardo was the only kid whose fuckin' hot parents ever decided they were too fuckin' hot to be parents and needed to be about that boat life.
Flashback to Yung Lenny and his lesser-saint ginger peer. The boys run away from the convent in the rain to ... watch a cute li'l chub tend to his sick mother?
Oh, fucking of course, they're going to find Yung Lenny's mom and dad. Lenny. They. Are. Living. The. Boat. Life. You're on a prairie. Go home and hang out with Diane Keaton, you lucky mofo! Back in the present day, the Yung Pope and his Lesser-Saint Ginger Peer are sitting on tiny beds, joking about how the Yung Pope is a total dick and always has been. They decide to go on a 'cigarette run' at 3 a.m. The only positive thing about this whole development is that the Yung Pope gets a little Jon Hamm-y in his Juicy suit.
Voiello wants to hit it and never quit it with Diane Keaton. The sentiment is not exactly returned. Diane Keaton inexplicably pets Voiello's son-friend like a dog. Diane. Come on. Voiello hands Diane Keaton a flash drive with the Yung Pope's boob-touchin' photos, and says, 'NVM about that whole blackmail thing. The Pope really is a saint.' It's unclear what motivated him to change his mind re: blackmailing the Yung Pope; perhaps it was how well the Yung Pope fills out them Juicy pants!!!
The Yung Pope and his Lesser Saint Ginger Peer meet with a sex worker, as upstanding men of the cloth are wont to do. They spend about five minutes talking to her, then leave … ? 'I have proof of the existence of God,' she says. 'You, being fuckin' hot.' If you find yourself wondering, 'Do popes really visit sex workers at 3 a.m. just to have friendly chats??' you have fallen directly into the black hole of ignorance, the hole that allows you to forget, even temporarily, that you are watching
The Yung Pope and His Lesser Saint Ginger Peer are eating street food and talking about miracles. LSGP is like, 'Remember that time that you did that thing ...' The Yung Pope is like, 'No!!!!! Let me eat my greasy street fare in peace!' LSGP replies, 'You are my best friend.' Seems like an extremely healthy and two-way best friendship, yes. The two continue their midnight stroll about the city, doing their best Before Sunrise .
In the past and present day, Diane Keaton joyfully greets Yung Lenny/Yung Pope and LSGP after their uneventful male bonding excursions. Shortly thereafter, the Yung Pope reads the fuck out of Gutierrez as nuns play volleyball nearby. 'I know you're an alcoholic, and I know you look like a very cute cartoon man.' At dinner, the Yung Pope asks Diane Keaton why he hasn't seen his parents again. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
The Yung Pope and Voiello are taking a walk while the Yung Pope utterly destroys Voiello. 'You thought you'd blackmail me? The Young Pope? I am the Young Pope. Not the Old Pope. Did you get it twisted and think, Oh, he's an old pope , when actually, I am the Young Pope?' Voiello is like, 'No, I know you're Young, forgive me, you are so young!!!!'
The Yung Pope is getting dressed. As is tradition, LMFAO's 'Sexy and I Know It' plays sweetly in the background. The Yung Pope loves LMFAO because he relates to the family dysfunction that stretched and eventually broke the bond between uncle-and-nephew duo Redfoo and Sky Blu. To him, LMFAO is but another example of the insecurity of human bonds. He dresses to it to remind himself to abstain from human contact, no matter how seductive it may be to found an EDM duo with one's relatives.
'Knock, knock!' says the Yung Pope. 'Who's there? Our deeply horrifying history of intolerance and pain, coming back with a vengeance. Liking gay people? LOL. Being cool to women? Fuck that shit. We are cement without windows. We are the inside of the trunk of a car. We are all the way zipped up in a Juicy suit, even over our heads, so we can't breathe, but we still look very good. No negotiating. No compromising. No dancing to LMFAO, except me. We must go back to being prohibitive monsters. In case this wasn't clear, from this day forth, we will be the actual worst. Also, hell is real, and I built it. Oh, also, kiss my shoe. K, great.'
The Yung Pope impregnates Esther via his mind. Shortly thereafter, he stalks and threatens Tonino, the shepherd who believed his magical sheep could fix muscle problems. A pope who can make a kangaroo jump, a flower bloom, a uterus desterilize, a shepherd quake in his booties? A pope who loves LMFAO and tiaras but hates gay people? Who else could it be but
Now we're on Episode 6. Please keep up. Edgar the cardinal has died in his porridge. Nobody is concerned. Also, there are people praying in Alaska. Please keep up.
Voiello is talking about banking and the general crumbling of Catholicism. The Yung Pope's eyes are closed, as usual. What's behind those eyelids, Yung Pope? 'Your Holiness,' he says. 'Who are you really?' I'm so glad you asked, Voiello. He is
Nighttime at the Vatican. LSGP is having an orgy in a gritty barn-type environment. The Yung Pope is sitting before the cardinals in his pope tiara, frightening everyone. Esther is giving birth, which means that either nine months have passed or her baby is a malevolent demon. Hard to say for sure.
LSGP is bidding adieu to his threesome partners in church. 'I must go to Rome, where I will no longer be able to fuck the most attractive people on this show, save for, of course, the Yung Pope and his hippie parents.' He admits that he was afraid, so he didn't push his Honduran flock to stop hanging out with murderous drug dealers as hard as he should have. Is this LSGP's way of saying he agrees with the Yung Pope's maniacal style of pope-ing?
Gutierrez is leaving for New York. Oh god I am so afraid for our smushy little Gutierrez. He is almost pancaked by a car immediately. Meanwhile, across town, the Yung Pope is visiting Esther, whom he implanted with a child nine months or one day ago. He gifts her with a Bible, gently shades Thomas Jefferson, then picks up her baby and smells him like a rack of ribs.
Not content to let a moment go by without experiencing self-pity, the Yung Pope says, 'I remember what my parents smelled like.' Everyone is like '.....' Then he drops the baby.
The Yung Pope is meeting with the Italian prime minister, who has been warned that the pope is 'diabolical.' The prime minister generously clarifies that, yes, it has been nine months since we last Poped, and Esther's baby is not a demon. The Yung Pope hands him a list of requests: 'Give all your money to the Catholic Church. No gay marriage. No abortion. No divorce. No euthanasia. No Muslim or Hindu religious freedom. No cookies for breakfast. Not even Cookie Crisp. Don't. I said not even that. Also, I am going to help God extinguish everyone who votes for you at the next election. Also also, I am so fuckin' hot that it's going to work. Oh, and you're too young.'
The Yung Pope and Voiello are having passive-aggressive relations as they watch the PM on TV. 'BTW,' says the Yung Pope, 'I'm gonna forbid you from forgiving women who've had abortions.'
The Yung Pope and his LSGP are having a tense breakfast. The Yung Pope wants to get all the gay priests the hell out of the Vatican, and LSGP is like, 'Uh, well, hm, no.' The Yung Pope launches into a monologue about cheese. Just kidding, it's about his fucking parents. 'You owe me, because I ditched my parents, who ditched me, for you,' he tells LSGP. LSGP takes this lazy-ass bait and begins dismissing all of the cute priests immediately. Elsewhere, in the Yung Pope's memory, a Young Diane Keaton sexily plays basketball with herself.
The monks want the Yung Pope to resign. They threaten a schism. 'Are you ready to sleep on the ground like junkies, or nah?' asks the Yung Pope. 'Also, buy shoes.'
Voiello is having a non-cane-sugar-themed meeting with the Captain of Police. The captain is like, 'Do you know Tonino? The guy you threatened to throw in quicksand?' Voiello is like, 'Nope never heard of him oh wait yes that guy hm nope never threatened to throw him in quicksand.' The captain clarifies that Tonino has disappeared, and also, the Vatican has called him approximately one million times.
LSGP is, apparently, some sort of gigolo for heterosexual couples. LSGP!!! I didn't know you had it in you, my man! Unfortunately, and somewhat ironically, he is also the enemy of all of the cute priests now. One of them, a cute, non-gay manual laborer would-be priest with a simple dream to serve God, shows up to his table at dinner and throws wine in his face. LSGP tells Diane Keaton he wants to go home, to the land of fucking his constituents and not destroying lives. Diane Keaton explains to LSGP that she, too, is an orphan, but she won't ever tell the Yung Pope, because she doesn't want to 'interfere with his sorrow.' Can u not be such a Yung Pope enabler, Diane?
[This post has been modified to correct the LMFAO song.]